studying myself

I've been discovering many new aspects of myself lately that I've not seen before. I can be super emotional, loving, judgemental, selfish, unselfish, and at times when I'm brave enough I can dissect my feelings and see the raw me. When I'm lucky enough, I am able to add a big piece of insight and try to improve. So lately, I've been feeeling very human with my raw emotions and with strength and courage, I can face my emotions face to face.

Things that I've been able to achieve before are becoming hard. I value solitude and I wish I could stay in silence for a really really long time. Its hard because my mind meanders around and I whip my mind to stay in focus with clear thoughts. Its a good exercise that I hope to master well in the upcoming new year. In January, I'm going away for a study retreat and during that time, I MUST stay in a bubble of books and exams and away from family and friends.

In the end, it will be all worth it and I will emerge a stronger me, a stronger dechen, a gentler dechen, a calmer dechen. after all, we are always evolving and with each piece of new skin shed, we change, each new cells divided as we read this (a dear friend once said), we are changing every second!!!!!

Rudy Kipling's IF

At times like today, I feel pretty disappointed and I like to cheer myself with this poem.
I like to study myself and try to improve and it comes at a cost. When I try and the trying comes to no fruition, I get disappointed. I fall down and its hard to stand up again and thinking of the big picture gives me strength and such is this poem. Pain is real and its there and one of my friend says that one has to ackowledge the pain. very true.




[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


--Rudyard Kipling

India.arie

This is a song from India.arie that I love.

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Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be
And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I’m lovin’ what I see

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

Am I less of a lady if I don’t wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain’t what she wears but, what she knows
But, I’ve drawn a conclusion, it’s all an illusion, confusion’s the name of the
Game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something’s gotta change
Don’t be offended this is all my opinion
Ain’t nothing that I’m sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share wit
Y’all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Free your mind, now’s the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
’cuz everything’s gonna be all right

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don’t need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your crisp style and your pistol
I’d rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don’t need your silicon I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

anger: a mask of fear

Today, we had two interesting cases. Both dealing with psycho somatic issues of health.

An early teen came to the clinic complaining of headache which she described as "bouncing in my head". The headaches came intermittently and to relieve herself of the pain, she liked sleeping hoping it would go away. She described the pain at the scale of 10/10. She also had fever and a resolved case of diarhea. So, I started questions relating to the timing of the pain, quality, what helped, etc.. (7 dimensions of a problem..as per our training) and then I proceeded to ask about her school. My preceptor taught me that its very important to ask how kids look perceive of school cause it can tell a lot about how they feel and find out sources of stresses. Just as I asked, the mother angrily rants that she is only concerned about the headache and fever. And I mean..angrily. When we see patients, we usually have a list of things in our head..list of questions to ask..trying to boil down a problem to few possibilities..called differential diagnosis. The angry voice threw my list in my head and I panicked a lil bit. So, I asked some more questions and took my notes and left the room to present it to my attending. I presented the case and added that I was intimated by the mom.

The mother's respond to the attending's questions were same response. It just seemed like she really wanted us to tell her an answer without even proceeding to any clue of investigation. I mean...I acknowledge the concern of the mother but it seemed that she didn't want us to ask any general questions. All the relevant physical exams were normal. My attending and I had looked up the girl's chart and it turned out that she had come to the hospital every other month for pain. The pain seemed to be a transferable one..whether it is abdominal, knee, headache, etc.. and the labs were perfectly normal. Then, my attending said that we would like to do a blood draw to find out if she has any infection going on. After more questions, it turns out that the mother was super stressed about thinking that the girl had CF cause one of ther cousins was recently diagnosed. (a lil knowledge can be a dangerous thing. CF is usually diagnosed real early in life and there was no chance that her daughter could have it at this age. Plus, she was freaking out that her daughter had CF and that nobody was telling her about it.) And the girl albet reluctant in the beginning but later admitted that she was stressed about starting her first menses. (I can totally understand it! the embarassment associated with it and the fear of dealing with it..etc.. )

Real stresses giving rise to real pain and all of us beautifully came to the conclusion and acknowledged the causative agents and at the same time got an order for blood draw.

My attending's lesson taught: Anger as a mask of fear.
I learned how much assumptions I make which blinds me from finding the truth and that although I might like pediatrics, I will see lots of anxious and angry parents. I feel comfortable enough with my attending that I blatantly admit what i falsely assumed and what I didn't ask which could have helped.

Renal and Endocrine Lab

Today, in lab, we looked at urine analysis. There were some samples with normal urine and some with blood. Fresh from last night's ER patients. Since its in the morning, there are always peopel walking around with their coffee cups and the instructor made a big announcement: please put your belongings away from this area. this is BIO-HAZARD area! it was funny. We looked at cells that you shouldn't really see in normal urine..such as red blood cells, some infections like Trichimonas, etc...

Then, she suggested that we run our own urine analysis. Nobody wanted to do it. People were grinning. I wanted to check cause I never had that done but ofcourse...didn't want the entire class to know my results or even look at the sample. So after everyone left, my friend and I took our bottles and went to the bathroom. Thinking..this is the best time since nobody is around. Right,...just as we are passing thru the hallway, there is a big group of classmates chatting and one very vocal girl goes, "aaah. you guys are checking your urine!!". And that in a big annoucement style....everybody looks as us and I just wanted to disappear. So, in a hurry, we ran to the loo. Got our samples and took the back route to the lab..avoiding the crowd. Good news....both of us don't have diabetes or proteinuria. It was good to check it cause we ask our patients to do this and do that all the time and going thru the process is a humbling thing. Plus, getting free lab tests and knowing our status is always good. Free is good: my motto.

And, we did not donate our samples to the class. As embarassing as it was to pass thru the giggles and the laughters of the crowd as we were walking with our sample bottle, as my friend said, we were the pioneers. Nobody else had that before.

In our second lab, we got to check each other's thyroid gland. Unfortunately, one of my classmates discovered that he had an abnormal nodule. Probably Hashimoto's disease. The instructor who is an endocrinologist goes, "cool, you can actually feel and see the shadow of it...cool but sorry dude, not cool for you. " Later, he was being teased as the "goiter boy". oh. so sad. Apparently, every year, someone in the class is diagnosed with a thyroid problem whenever we have this lab. After all this, one girl says, "thats why, i don't want people checking my urine or my thyroid".

Tomorrow, we get to learn how to dilate eyes and look at the area behind the eye ball. Since, I'm going thru some visual problems, I'll volunteer to get my eyes dilated. Few weeks ago, i discovered that I've severe night blindness. Experienced some nausea after I self medicated with some (perhaps..too high of a dosage) Vit A. So, I'm back to getting my vit A source from fresh vegetables and oranges.

Everytime we go through a block, I always get the feeling that I've atleast one of those disease described. Its called med student syndrome.

tsampa eater

tsampa eater

The first show is going to be this saturday. Its called "The Garden Party".

Huey takes the microphone and blurts:

Excuse me, everybody, I've an announcement to make:

Jesus was Black
Ronald Reagon was the Devil
And the government is lying about 911
thank you and have a good night.

Boondocks

Times like this, wish I had cable TV.

check out:
www.theboondockstv.com

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"Gary Anthony Williams, who voices Uncle Ruckus, one of the characters on "The Boondocks," has this to say about his new show: "There are two dates you have to remember: Nov. 6 and 7. On Nov. 6, 'The Boondocks' debuts on Cartoon Network. And Nov. 7 ... the white men realize they made a huge mistake putting this bull-[expletive] on the air!" "
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sunday

I plan to get my notes reviewed today. (If I say that loud---I'll get it done)

Watched Bunty and Babli last night with Lobsang. It was funny. We started with "Sarkar" but I decided to stop it cause it was too negative. Didnt' quite feel like being surrounded by too much negativity. ;)